Orion Weiss
New Jersey Wolf


Had an incredible adventure today (a week ago actually, but I'm going for visceral immediacy here) and was nearly eaten by a wolf in New Jersey. It goes something like this: I went out running at around 1 pm today (a week ago) innocent as a new-born lamb, and wearing my little red running hood. I bounced right across the bridge and turned north into the woods. I was already enjoying my run immensely and planning to run the trails quite a little distance, barring any life-threatening occurrence.

As a preface to what comes next, the last time I'd run that way I saw a beautiful 55-point (or something) white-tailed buck jumping along the trail ahead of me. This time, two people approached. They were wearing hats and coats and one of them carried a walking stick. "Hi," I said. "Hello," they both said, uncoordinatedly, and then, "We just saw a wolf." I stopped dead in my tracks (don't worry I was fine). "What, huh?" I asked. "A wolf, we just saw a wolf," they said again. "What, huh, a wolf?" I asked again. "Yes, a wolf, there's a wolf back there," they pointed behind them, ahead of me. "What, huh?" I said (the story starts to get going a little more after this point). "Yes, a wolf, it was really big and gray and slavering and I don't think he saw us but we wouldn't go that way if we were you!" they said, and walked away and vanished. I was left there alone on the path, uncertain of what to do. I couldn't see any wolf. I sniffed the air and tried to see if I could smell a wolf (they smell like wet dogs, right?) but I didn't smell anything. So I thought, "I was going that a way, and I'll keep going that a way, wolf or no wolf!" I ran one step and stopped dead in my tracks (a good phrase), "But what if there is a wolf?". "What's a wolf going to do to you?" I scoffed at myself. "Ha ha, you're right," I agreed. I ran another step and halted frozen in place, "What if it's a big wolf?" "Good point, it could be really big," I chimed in.

So I turned around and ran away one step before turning around and going one step courageously forward before stopping once more to think about it. "They did warn you," I thought, "it'd be pretty ridiculous to get yourself eaten by a wolf when you knew it was waiting for you." "What are you, a man or a mouse?" I asked myself deep down (sort of suspecting the answer). "If I were a mouse, the wolf might be less likely to eat me," I thought, smart-aleckly. "What if there's no wolf at all and they were wrong?" I said, loudly, trying to reassure myself. "

But what," I whispered, "if they were right? What if the wolf came to New Jersey to look for that that big deer?" "But wolves don't eat people, do they?" I wasn't sure. "Well they eat pianists, at the least, if they're hungry enough!" This was it. The moment of truth. Would I turn tail and run? Or would I go run towards a wolf so I could stick to my nice running plan along the trails since it's really annoying to not get what you want. I know - from a few choice moments in my life (birthday parties).

And then I made my decision. I looked around and found a big pointed stick and picked it up, and [BY THE WAY, even though this is the Made-up-stuff Blog, all of the story so far is completely true and not made up. That's what makes it so crazy! A wolf, in Fort Lee! What follows is true too...] and hunted the wolf for miles and slew it with a stick and saved the town (NYC). OK, that part was made up. You have to stay alert in this particular blog.

What really happened is I ran away and took a different route, then ran around behind the wolf waving a rotted log but didn't see anything but bravely survived and made it home. Also not made up is: later that day I ran barefoot for the first time since childhood, for 2 miles.